BY Randy Butternubs
Happy to be Wrong
NEW BRUNSWICK—Days after announcing that United States President Obama would be the speaker for this year’s University Commencement, Rutgers University President Robert Barchi sent out a video recording to the entire Rutgers community angrily affirming students, faculty, and staff to “shut up and don’t fuck this up for me!”
The video file, which has a total run time of 34 minutes, includes Barchi sitting on his living room couch while furiously ranting about his efforts to get President Obama to speak to our University.
“Two years. For two MOTHERFUCKING years, I’ve been kissing Obama’s ass just to get him to say one word. ‘Yes’,” said Barchi, taking a break to wipe sweat from his forehead. “So for the love of god, do not be yourselves for one day. Just one day, have Rutgers pride but just don’t be Rutgers. Be like those preppy UPenn kids. Sit in your asses down, listen to the fucking POTUS, and keep your damn mouths shut.”
Halfway through the video, Barchi spent seven minutes groaning and drinking several glasses of aged scotch.
“Honestly, it was super uncomfortable, but I kind of wanted to keep watching,” said SAS sophomore Samuel Ramirez, who sat through the entire tirade. “I liked how around the end he started hitting himself and asking if this is what we wanted. I laughed at that more than once.”
“I can’t be here anymore, alright. And I can’t go back to being a doctor,” chocked out Barchi at the end of the video. “I want money, power, and bitches! This is my big chance to make a political career out of this. I can be the next Woodrow-fucking-Wilson. And listen, this will be good for you, too. You won’t have to lie about graduating from Rutgers! You’re validated because Obama came here. That’s the best you can get and more than you deserve, you little assholes. So, no Delafest, no wiping ‘blood’ on your faces, and no more fucking petitions!”