BY Bames Jond
WASHINGTON D.C.—The news organization Al Jazeera has announced that April 30th, 2016 would mark the end of the American division’s broadcast and digital operations. Al Jazeera board members have collectively stated, “This decision is a result of Al Jazeera America’s inability to compete with the strongly biased tone of the other American news programs.”
Al Jazeera America had been struggling in ratings for many years and as the company began to branch out into a globally-focused market, the cost to keep the American branch alive did not seem worth the money. Al Jazeera prides itself on being a fact-based and unbiased news organization, which many experts say was their biggest obstacle to capturing a US audience.
“People like to be told what to think,” one CBS representative said. “The average American has the emotional capacity of a sick puppy and if we don’t tell them what to feel then they will collapse from stupidity.”
“Do you know how much money it takes to check facts or get multiple sources?” asked MSNBC, giving a similar response. “You need to find a story then find at least three other people to corroborate the story which you need to then check to see if the stories match up and that is like three times the work. [Al Jazeera] also tried to get both sides of a story which is a whole other side you need to research which then adds up to six times the work. It is no wonder they weren’t making money.”
Many of Al Jazeera’s major opponents we overjoyed to hear the news of the branch’s cancellation but were not surprised. Official news source of wife-beaters, Fox News, said that the cancellation came as no shock.
“Well aside from their name sounding like an Al Qaeda cell, these folks missed the fundamental A-B-C’s of American broadcasting. Animals, Black violence, and Kardashians are the cornerstones of American news and they missed on all marks by doing stories on ‘world politics’ and ‘global issues’, two things the American people couldn’t care about less. Heck, we are in one of the most divided presidential races in post-Civil War and pre-Marvel Civil War American history and they have the gall to not call a single candidate a communist or fascist baby killer. It is just so unprofessional.”
Al Jazeera has said that they regret the loss of the American division and hope the now-unemployed reporters are successful with whatever blog they launch following the closure. Al Jazeera America’s last broadcast will air April 30th and promises to include minimal drunken rants and crying news correspondents. The online component of Al Jazeera America will go out with one last article, titled “Fuck All Y’all Bitches!”, an interesting perspective on the 2016 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.