NEW BRUNSWICK— Like with any open, non-authoritarian police state, New Brunswick has always had its fair share of crime and grime. Law officials have done everything they could to curb the ever-pressing issue of violence on the streets, but one lone individual has taken it upon himself to give crime, in his words, “a certain flair for the dramatic”.
Scott “Scotty” McStabs was just a homeless mugger until one day, he found a discarded Russell Brand sex tape in the dumpster. The sex tape in question, which featured Russell fornicating with several marsupials and a Chihuahua, gave McStabs new insight into the mystifying world of fake British accents.
“I was honestly astounded by the visuals and the appealing audio,” said McStabs in an exclusive interview. “Every time a single vowel would leave his mouth, my disgust at watching him fuck those animals instantly turned to intrigue. My rage was quelled by the smoothness of his ‘cunts’ and ‘laggards’. And my fear and insecurity with regard to my own sex life eroded to the point where I felt I was actually there with Russell, double-teaming that one Chihuahua. It was an enlightening experience to say the least.”
McStabs has since then made use of his newfound knowledge.
“When I approach someone, I don’t just ask them for their wallet right off the bat. I entertain them. Loosen them up a bit. And when it’s time to pull out the knife, some of the kids already have their wallets out before I even say anything.”
One RBS student recounted her experience with McStabs. “He was…charming,” told Darla McDermott. “There was just something alluring about the way he talked. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t report it to RUPD, but something told me that I would be incarcerating a very gifted man in the process. And that was just a burden I didn’t want to carry on my conscience for the rest of my life.”
“I’m not gay, okay,” prefaced Joseph Lepenski, a very recent victim of Scott’s mugging, “but I would totally fuck Scott if we met again. That guy just has a way with words that my wife could never even hope to muster.”
After two continuous months of non-stop mugging sprees, McStabs used his ill-gotten funds to open up a theatre practice with the aim of helping talented youths and troubled career criminals with their vocalization and mugging skills.
“Mugging…is an art form,” announced Scott to a group of six during a theatre camp. “It is not enough to say to a potential muggee, ‘Bitch, give me your money!’ One must elicit a certain flair for the dramatic before he or she is willing to act in your play. A more enticing offer, for instance, would be, ‘Dirty female canine, depart with thy belongings or thou shall feel the sharp pain of a blade thrusting deepest within thy fragile bosom!”
While criminals (and McStabs’s “compatriots’”, as he refers to them) have all expressed satisfaction with His compelling teaching-style and finesse, the RUPD has been more than vocal about their disdain for McStabs’s existence on campus.
“He’s taking people away from the righteous path of good and turning them into career criminals,” stated Kenneth Cop, Chief of Police. “He thinks he can corrupt people by making crime looks sexy, well two can play at that game!”
RUPD officers are now required to take courses in Shakespearian theatre. When a 9-1-1 call is filed, it is always answered with a British accent. It has not been confirmed whether or not the Russell Brand sex-tape, which empowered McStabs to sport a British accent in the first place, has been used by the RUPD for training purposes.
“With these programs, we hope to lessen McStabs’s influence on campus and bring order and civility back to the city…”
When McStabs was asked about the RUPD programs, he proclaimed;
“Hang out our banners on the outward walls. The cry is still ‘They come’: our castle’s strength will laugh a siege to scorn. Here let them lie ’til famine and the ague consume them. Were they not forced with those that should be ours, we might have met them dareful, beard to beard, and beat them backward home.”
Whose fake and terrible British accent will win the hearts and minds of New Brunswick citizens? Only time shall tell.