What Are Marshmallows?

BY Lewis Rooney

Think about the great things our planet has to offer, and food is the first thing which comes to mind. Delectable fruits like apples and kiwis, hardy vegetables like green beans and cauliflower, countless grains of rice and bushels of beans which can be the cornerstone of any meal. Then there are numerous types of scrumptious meats like chicken, beef, venison and duck which can fill you up and leave you feeling ready to conquer any task. And what do we decide to put into our bodies every once in awhile? With all of nature’s gifts to the human species what the fuck do we decide to ingest into our stomachs. Marshmallows. Son of a bitch.

Who the fuck thought this gelatinous slime shit up, and decided: “Hey…I wanna eat that!” How stupid of a society have we become? Is our concept of mortality that skewed that we think it is okay to eat a white cylinder of shiny goo and think we are not shaving years off of our lives with each bite! Google that shit. Google it right now! Right fucking now before I waste my precious time in this world explaining this shit to you. First thing you see: “a spongy confection.” Great, now we are all eating Spongebob, or worse something you use to clean your fucking sink. Okay what do we have next: “a soft mixture of sugar.” A mixture of sugar? You know what that means! Not real sugar that’s what it means! So there you go with the first round of carcinogens. Hey, we are Americans, we need a good dose of carcinogens everyday. Keeps the immune system active.

Okay smart guy what do we have next: “albumen, and gelatin.” Oh. O?. What the fuck is that? Albumen is egg white protein, and by the look on your face you are most likely scared because you broke vegan law by eating a product of an animal. Good job fucker. Next is gelatin, which according to the PETA website: “is a protein obtained by boiling skin, tendons, ligaments, and/or bones with water.” Animal bones you cock sucker calm down we aren’t boiling your Aunt Helen up.

Finally, if you look on the Marshmallow’s Wikipedia page, you will see the words: “conveyor belt,” so you know we are truly looking out for our well being, eating something which is processed through a factory I’M SURE the FDA is keep tabs on. Yeah, sure, okay. We were given so many gifts on this wonderful sphere of land and water, delectable treats for people of different preferences. And we eat gelatin sponge goo which violates vegan law. Fuck you, Marshmallows.

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