BY Michael-Vincent D’Anella Mercanti
Addressing the press corps on Tuesday, Press Secretary Josh Earnest confirmed that the White House will be sending Vice President Joe Biden to Rutgers University to present the commencement address for this year’s graduation ceremony.
“This is exciting for both the President’s administration and the Vice President’s family,” said Earnest in his written statement. “The second most powerful man in the world will go to celebrate Rutgers Revolutionary 250th.”
This announcement comes after reports last week of US Secret Service surveying the Campus, specifically around High Point Solution Stadium.
“This is a great opportunity for Rutgers,” said Vice Chancellor Richard Edwards during a press conference Tuesday afternoon on the Olde Queens section of the College Avenue Campus. Sources inside the Rutgers Administration told reporters that Edwards played a large role in getting the deal to go through.
According to an official statement by Vice Chancellor Edwards, the University spent about $800,000 on the courting process. This included dinner in the nation’s capital, Twitter promotions, and a video invitation sent out by the Rutgers Administration to the invited guest.
“We were in a lot of communication with the White House after we sent the many letters over the course of several months,” continued Edwards.
Our reporters reached out to the Vice President but could not get through to his line. His office also refused to comment.
“This is so exciting,” said Assistant Dean Penny Karlson of the School of Arts and Sciences. “Having the nation’s second-in-command will really resonate with our student body.”
“This is an easy choice for the administration,” said Political Science adjunct professor Carolyn Chaney, “After the protests following Condoleezza Rice’s announcement, the school has learned to make better choices.”
Rutgers University President Robert Barchi weighed in on the appointing of Vice President Biden as the speaker for the 2016 Commencement ceremony.
“We originally asked the White House for Obama, but apparently he’s too good for us the elitist jerk! That’s why the University chose to avoid Obama for the speech, considering his fucking stupid policies that everybody hates. The President’s healthcare plan, which is KILLING AMERICA, has spurned too many university students and his presence would only upset the graduating class. We don’t even think he’s that sexy, despite what the polls say. I mean, his voice is angelic and he is an amazing public speaker, but his ears are way too big for his head. Okay, so it happens to be that he was voted the most charismatic president, but Rutgers has plenty of charisma. We need someone with good judgment and sound mind that can be a positive influence on the outgoing students, and Biden was the perfect fit. Have you heard that Obama smokes? Is that the man we want speaking to our future leaders? Who knows what kind of venomous ideas he’ll convey in his speech? A fucking boner apparently. The choice was easy when we weighed the options and as much as Obama wanted to speak at the event, we had to go with who was best for the school.”