BY Randy Butternubs
Free Flowing Funk
HOUSTON, TX—This morning at 2:33 am, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was awoken in his home in Houston, TX by the moaning of three specters of the campaigns of Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, and Marco Rubio.
Cruz was first lead by 1996 Republican nominee Bob Dole, who addressed himself as the Ghost of Candidacy Past. Cruz was shown a more innocent time in GOP history with Dole’s campaign against then-incumbent President Bill Clinton. Extending a bony finger from his robe, Dole pointed to the moment when he proposed to overturn the Supreme Courts decision to restrict states from banning abortion. Dole then bellowed in a chilling voice, “Presidency will never be yours if your policies are from the past!”
“Bah, humbug!” the shaken Cruz shouted at Dole to haunt him no longer, at which point, the Ghost of Candidacy Present, Newt Gingrich, took the Texan Senator to 2012, where he saw the defeat of Gingrich to eventual Republican nominee Mitt Romney. Distraught, Cruz asked, “You can’t mean for this to be like my current situation! You suggest I will lose my nomination to a spoiled rich guy with a stupid name?”
Gingrich’s spirit simply laughed and said in his chubby boy voice, “The time has come for me to leave you, Rafael Edward ‘Ted’ Cruz.” At that moment, Cruz was left in a dark and cold conference room with the Ghost of Candidacy Yet to Come, a sobbing and incoherent Marco Rubio in a dark hood. After watching Rubio cry continuously for approximately forty minutes, Cruz asked whether he would see his future, prompting the Floridian Senator to move to stand in front a mirrored wall while continuing to sob.
Waking again at nine o’ clock, Cruz leaped out from of bed, filled with the political spirit. He burst out of his bedroom window and called out to a passing lobbyist, tasking him to bring around the prize investor for his Super PAC.