Rutgers Quits While Ahead, Forgoes Big Ten Basketball Tournament

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Least Favorite Child

PISCATAWAY — Rutgers men’s basketball earned its first Big Ten win Saturday, defeating the University of Minnesota 75-52.

Rutgers had gone winless in the conference this season before beating the Golden Gophers on Senior Night at the RAC.

“We want to go out on a win,” said new Rutgers

Athletic Director Patt Hobbs. “We know we’ll get killed in the conference tournament, so why embarrass ourselves?”

Since last season, the Scarlet Knights were on a 32-game conference losing streak. Their last Big Ten win was against the University of Wisconsin, who decided to be nice and sit their best player.

“We’re proud of our performance. This is the way we want to send our seniors out,” said head coach Eddie Jordan. “We know Minnesota sucks balls too, but I don’t give a shit. Hey, I’m gonna get fired anyway. Fuck it.”bball.jpg

When reminded his team lost to Minnesota over two weeks ago, Jordan said he “was piss drunk” and does not “remember shit about this horrible season”.

Hobbs further explained the benefits of foregoing the rest of the season.

“We figured this would kickstart the rebuild. Now we can get Jordan the hell out of here immediately. And it’s nice to show recruits we ended the season on a win.”

Rutgers was scheduled to play Wednesday against the University of Nebraska, a game fans and students will no longer get to see.

“Wait, we have a basketball team?” said SAS freshman Abigail Henson. “And they made the playoffs? I’m confused.”

Sources say players will spend the offseason “relaxing” and “looking for another school to transfer to.”

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