BY Ned Flanders
Dating DTS’s Sister
PISCATAWAY — Graduation is just two short months away, which means it’s time for English majors to decide what they want to be when they grow up. For some, it’s a teacher. For some, it’s a stripper, or perhaps an alcoholic. But Angelica Vikander can’t be held down by stereotypes. Angelica strives to become a Burger King employee.
On Saturday, Angelica made the most important decision of her young life: applying to the Burger King Fast-Food Emporium Extraordinaire (as she likes to call it) in the Busch Student Center in Piscataway. As witnesses account, she confidently strolled in, asked for an application, and promptly began filling it out at a nearby table.
“Most people take under five minutes to complete the application. After about fifteen minutes I saw Ms. Vikander pull out some more paper, so I thought she was doing homework and forgot about Burger King like most people do. Then she came back three hours later and handed me a stack of papers. I was very confused,” Burger King Manager Leonardo DiScorpio explained, happy to be holding his new gold crown for finally winning the Best Manager award he so rightfully deserves. “She wrote an essay about Burger King! The other managers thought I was high when I told them. But damn if it wasn’t the most enchanting thing I’ve ever read.”
Fellow English majors are in awe of her high expectations for herself, and frankly, they can’t help but feel a tad envious of her. After all, it wasn’t easy for her to achieve that 3.95 GPA while doing all of her studying for the semester during happy hour at Olive Branch. Word spread quickly among Rutgers students about Angelica’s stunning application. “Angie is such a bitch. She tries to look so much better than the rest of us even though she drinks just as much as we do. I love her so much,” claims her best friend, Kate Letswin.
Angelica’s Burger King application (now referred to as “The Gift”) has been distributed to all of the Burger King managers as an example. “I didn’t understand what most of the words meant, but I couldn’t help but cry a little when I read the part about her loving the stove and grill like a family,” stated Burger King Executive Mike Bassfender.
The essay was filled with phrases such as “energetically aspirational,” “communicative management,” and “very desperate,” to describe Angelica and the ways she was going to “make Burger King great again”. Some are saying Angelica’s enticing composition is one of the most beautiful pieces of literature of all time, even compared to revered classics such as Captain Underpants, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, and The Kama Sutra.
“The essay was so incredible, I thought that just maybe this young lady was actually a competent person who didn’t realize she was applying to a Burger King. We can’t have our food coming out quickly, correctly, or with a smile, so I had no choice. I didn’t hire her,” DiScorpio muttered while finishing a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“Yeah, I was pretty pissed off when I heard I didn’t get my dream job. I guess it happens to most of us,” Angelica explained. “But I spent three hours on it, which is harder than I’ve worked on anything in my whole life.
Oh well. I guess I’ll go to my second choice, Starbucks, and tell them in a three-thousand-word story about how I spiked their coffees to get me through college.”