BY Chris Christie
Look Donny, I know you are doing big things right now but I need to know we are still cool. I thought you would love to hear that I fully support your claim for the presidency this election. However when I go to watch Fox News and I’m not greeted with tales of your angelic rise to power, but how you reject my support and ridiculed me as a politician. What did I do to make you hate me this much? I always imagined you and me taking the political world by storm, like that time you and I went to Georgie [Bush]’s Halloween party as Tweetle Dee and Tweetle Dumb.
We argued for so long about who would be Tweetle Dee, but I gave it up for you because that is what our friendship meant to me. I wanted to be beside you and support you like the support beam of one of your fabulous buildings. All I am hearing from the news now is how you just want me to “Go home”, but I know my place is right at your side.
Where did we go wrong Donny? Was it when I accepted Obama’s help after Sandy? I have told you a million times, we were on a break and it was a onetime thing. He just came at a dark time in my life, but I swear he totally means nothing to me. Just remember all the good times we had, like all those days we spent in Atlantic City. We had so much fun buying land and people’s homes to create a situation where no non-casino business could thrive. Remember what we did once Pennsylvania and Delaware legalized gambling in their states? You and I just doubled down with the city’s money and watched the place burn to the ground while we shared champagne at the top of the Trump Taj Mahal. I want that to be us again, I need you there to help motivate me and make me a better man than I am now. Just call me, I know that it is not you saying these mean things behind my back. I will anxiously wait for your call, but I am closer than a phone call away. Just look out your window and I will be right there blasting “Ice Ice Baby” through that boom box we took from those black teens.