Rutgers Honors College Given List of Princeton Rejects

BY Randy Butternubs
Toasty buns

NEW BRUNSWICK—Sighing once again as that time of the year approaches; Rutgers Honors College administrators were sent, via email, the list of rejected applicants to Princeton University from which the Honors College will be admitting its own students.

princetonThe Honors College, which opened this past Fall Semester with the Class of 2019, has since established itself as a reasonable safety school for prospective students applying to Ivy League universities. As such, the Honors College benefits from the rejections of said students as a way to fill the expensive dormitories built off of Seminary Place. These Ivy League castoffs are presented the unique opportunity to come together and share their excuses of why their first choice university may have rejected them and now have to attend a ‘pretty good I guess’ state university.

“I mean, everything was going great at first,” said Dean Matt Matsuda of the Honors College. “The students were cheerful at first, being freshmen and all. But the moment they got their midterm scores for Chemistry and Calculus, they turned into the over-competitive, cut-throat little demons honors student are on the inside. How can I subject another batch of butt-hurt Ivy League rejects to that environment all over again?” When asked about how Honors College students in the humanities were faring, Dean Matsuda simply laughed and returned to his work.

Average Rutgers students also appear to be affected by the admission of these discarded Ivy applicants as well. Students from SAS, SEBS, Business, and even Engineering came to Rutgers for the hope that they can get away from the ‘try hard, student council wannabes’ that infected the halls of their high schools. Now, it appears that the Honors College is to blame for bringing such students back to Rutgers, and thus, returning the high school sentiment of academic stratification back to the once-free State University of New Jersey.

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