Presidential Candidates Win Party Nominations

BY Wackadoodle O’NALLY
Cub Reporter

‘MURICA—Tuesday evening, (Republican candidate) won the nomination for Republican candidate, much to the surprise of (obscure demographic) all over the country.

(Female Jewish name) of Highland Park recalled last night’s political news coverage. “Oy, it was such a (Yiddish word)! As soon as (Republican candidate) won the (state) primary, it was all over. One person got so (emotion), he went up to President (celebrity) and (past tense verb) his (body part)! (Exclamation), what a shanda!”

With his stance on (controversial issue) still yet to be deciphered, citizens will be (adjective) to see how he will (verb) with it. Everyone will be focusing on (Republican candidate) and how the (plural noun) of presidency might affect him.

The overwhelming public reaction is (emotion) that (Republican candidate) gave praise and recognition to the other candidates, including “Jeb!” What a good sport!

At press time, speculative reports have innundated the media outlets regarding the possibility of an independent campaign from (Washington outsider). This could be a considerable concern for GOP officials come election time.


BY Jon Galt
Blues Editor

UNITED STATES—Last night, (Democratic candidate) won (preferred gender possessive pronoun) party’s nomination.

According to (news site), it was the most (adjective) Super Tuesday anyone has seen since (major historical event).

President (same celebrity) addressed the events of last night earlier today.

“I’d like to (verb) the two candidates on their (noun) last night. Truly remarkable. I’d also like to extend my (plural noun) to those candidates who (antonym of previous verb) last night. You guys (past tense verb) a (adjective) campaign, and that’s something to truly be (emotion).”

Our reporters managed to interview some people on the street, to hear what they had to say about the night. (Mother’s maiden name) said, “Incredible night. After the candidates won, I ran out onto (childhood street’s name) with my pet (childhood pet’s name), and we must have cheered for at least (social security number) times. It was (adjective).”

Due to the intense competition between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, this could have been anyone’s game. Therefore, the public reaction to one of them being nominated was overwhelmingly (reaction).


“The parties candidates have been determined and surprise absolutely no one.” (Republican candidate) and (Democratic candidate) debate the issues that will definitely focus more on personal affairs than anything that affects the populus.

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