BY Red Riding Hood
DEEP IN THE JUNGLES OF BRAZIL— Pornhub’s campaign to “Give America Wood” has taken a detour towards the heart of South America, as plans have been made for Pornhub’s “Amazonian” adult performers to reforest Brazil’s part of the Amazon Rainforest.
According to fakestatistics.net, more than 69% of the views that contributed to Pornhub’s reforestation project originated in Brazil’s jungle area.
“We are just so surprised that the natives down there even had enough running electricity to power a light bulb, let alone to watch porn,” said Ben Dover, CEO of Pornhub.
“Nethertheless, we are looking forward to doing our part in replenishing that large swath of forest area for our brothers south of the equator. We’re going down there, and we are gonna plant the strongest trees, whose trunks will be longer and harder than ever before. We’ll make sure to remove any unwanted bush near the area. We like our trees smooth,” said Dover.
Pornhub will be working alongside the online shopping delivery company Amazon.com, to help provide their “adult performers” with the necessary resources to help with process.
Some of these “adult stars” include Betty Phuckzer, Freida Brest, Helda Dick, and Jawanna Blowme, among others. “It is, like, an honor, to, like, go down to the wet trees place and, like, help save the lions, or whatever, and, like, bring back the flying hippos, because, like, the government is bad, and yeah. So, what are you doing later, sweetie?” spewed Adult Performer Helda Dick, during an interview in her hotel room.
With over 100 million total views, Pornhub is estimated to plant, at least, 69 million trees within the Amazon rainforest. “That’s enough brush to cover up a canyon,” said head forest ecologist Mike Litoris. Litoris also went on about how the lives of these performers are at risk, as the Amazon is home to some of the deadliest animals in the world (anaconda, piranhas, etc.)
“It’s better than dying of Hepatitis. Which reminds me, I have to tell you something,” revealed Helda Dick, as this journalist felt a weird burning sensation in his groin area.