BY Jeb Bush
You know, I got into this presidential race because I felt I could honestly change our nation. And now I realize it’s utterly doomed. America’s voters have shown yet again to be immature; letting something as petty as the last name Bush prevent them from electing the proper candidate.
I was going to fix everything! I was America’s savior; the second coming of Reagan; the Great White Hope! I was going to undo my brother’s follies; Obama’s too! I would have ripped up every last word of Obamacare and undid every executive order of his! But you stupid motherfuckers chose Trump over me! Fine, fuck you assholes, I guess you don’t deserve a good president.
By the way, you guys don’t even know; Donald didn’t even come up with “Make America Great Again.” I did! He heard me say it at a funding meeting for the Trump Towers in Miami. Yeah, that’s right. That stupid fascist with dumb hair has been totally ripping people off.
So, Marco Rubio, right guys? No, not fucking right. He’s running around talking about how successful Florida has been lately, blah blah. Well guess what America? I did that! Not him. I was the governor, he’s just a junior goddamn senator. All that money I spent publicizing our successes in Florida, and Marco’s just going to steal all of my hard work. Suck my cock, Marco.
And not to mention that jackass Rafael Edward Cruz, aka “Ted.” You ever notice how similar “Ted” sounds to “Jeb?” Yeah, thats because Ted and Jeb are only two letters apart. Again, totally stealing my thing! Hell, I remember back when he was just Ralph Cruz. Hell, I wasted $1,800,000 on campaign materials with “TRUSTJEB!,” and then ol’ Ralph came out with “TRUSTED” and it was all over. Columba sat up all night with white out and scissors shortening it to just “JEB!” just so it wouldn’t be a total loss. Oh, and fuck you too Ben Carson. Same reason.