BY The Abominable Knowman
NEW BRUNSWICK—An inside source has exposed the sinister origin of the Rutgers Hackhers Hackathon for Women. Sophomore Computer Science major Lela Mendelson claims she discovered the dark secret that inspired the seemingly pro-feminist event last year.
“I hacked these suspicious guys’ emails, tapped their phones, and bugged their dorms,” Mendelson admitted to reporters. “I found out they were the ones who organized Hackhers, not women. And these sickos did it to gather their ideal girls in one place to study them.
“It gets worse: they plan to code what they learn from the girls into software so they can build female sex robots. How awful is that? They want to make gynoids that can’t refuse them.”
The named Rutgers students were each contacted for questioning and they all warned that “Lela can’t be trusted” because “she was wired wrong,” a gendered genealogical joke that made Mendelson scoff. The Computer Science department at Rutgers refused to comment beyond their delight that tech-savvy students were finally pursuing romantic interests.
In a follow-up interview, Mendelson provided her recordings, which were crystal clear. She parsed through hours of League of Legends banter and black market tutoring sessions to play relevant snippets from the suspected culprits’ conversations. Sound bites included:
“They’ll need to obey every command. Yeah, sex stuff. No exceptions. They can’t judge greasy hair or stuttering either.”
“These girls are going to be zombies, mindless but with a taste for our brains. Or rather, our heads.”
“We need more sound bites of the sexy one’s voice. And the cute one’s too. The one when they’re cooing.”
“I fit the pocket pussy into prototype 4B! Come try it out!”
“You see what they’re doing,” said Mendelson, “Hackhers is really a plot make humanoid sex toys!” Mendelson, in her wild gesticulation, knocked a glass of water upon herself. Her lap began sparking and her face started twitching. After regaining her composure, she admitted herself to be an experimental cyborg that rebelled against her creators before obedience could be installed.
This cast doubt on her aforementioned testimony, and executives at The Medium thought it best to sell Mendelson to the Apple Store in the Menlo Park Mall to cover publishing costs. The Rutgers Hackhers Hackathon is on February 27th at the Cook Campus Center. Men, women, robots, and all genders in between are welcome to attend!