BY RICK WENSLEY
The one thing that kept me out of dwelling too far into internet culture is now gone. My sex life, all of it is corrupted beyond repair, lost from my grasps. And the only thing to blame are memes. Memes, those things on the internet that spread with the intensity of a plague in forms of videos, pictures with themed captions, and dim-witted jokes, are just a disease and I have been infected.
From the very beginning, my sex life is completely ruined now. When I put on some “Getting It On” jams and in the offchance it’s not “Sandstorm” by Darude, I still automatically reply to my partner’s inquiry on what song it is with “Sandstorm.” Do you know how confused, and thus dry, she becomes when she can not understand why I would be that mentally challenged to say the wrong name of the song… each time! At that point, she probably thinks she’s hooking up with a retard and it would be unethical for her to not stop immediately.
Or if somehow this girl is either deaf or just that vapid where dick is dick and we keep going on, I purposefully struggle with her bra just so I can make a dumbfuck joke about being Bad Luck Brian, with something cringey like “Finally about to have sex… Can’t manage to get bra off.” And it’s not like I want to do it, it’s just instinct at this point.
And heck, let’s just say in the off chance that I manage to keep the girl interested, and we’re still going and whole shebang does end up happening and I finish. Well you know that I am going to end it off with assuming the form of Pepe, you know that green frog, and crumpling up next to her and muttering, “Feels good, man.” I can’t restrain myself, it just happens and I feel like a complete loser afterwards, but there is nothing I can do.
My dick can not take this torture anymore and there needs to be some kind of legislation against these memes. How many more lives have to be ruined by memes before politicians in Washington begin to discuss this epidemic? Write to your representatives, this is something we can not let slip by us and corrode at the youth of this grand country.