Rutgers to Serve Harder Alcohol During Blowouts

PISCATAWAY — RUSA passed a bill on January 28 that should wetten High Point Solution Stadium not only with the tears of downtrodden fans, but also with the flow of sweet, sweet alcohol.

The student assembly believes the revenue will somewhat offset what is currently the nation’s worst athletics budget deficit, which was last reported at $36 million.

RUSA has been working closely with President Robert Barchi and the Rutgers Athletics Department to set the plan in motion. The Athletic Department was so thrilled with the idea, they decided to augment it.

The type of alcohol served will change based on the deficit Rutgers faces at each contest.

“One of my first goals coming into this job was to boost the fan experience,” said new athletic director Pat Hobbs.

“Let’s be honest, being an RU fan is depressing as fuck,” he added. “That’s why we are going to upgrade the alcohol content of the drinks we serve as the deficits we face on the field become worse and worse.”

The plan is not finalized, but a preliminary blueprint calls for beer at the start of the game, mixed drinks after falling behing by seven, straight shots of vodka or whiskey after a 14 point deficit, and shots of Everclear once down by 20 or more.

“Every time Chris Laviano turns the ball over we’d add a complementary

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