By Sawyer Gnus Editor
BOCA RATON, FL—At the Democrats’ Town Hall late Monday night, Senator Bernie Sanders introduced a new campaign promise: government-subsidized retirement condominiums in sunny Florida. He claims that in addition to free tuition for public colleges and free healthcare, he can provide free beachside shuffleboard court access.
“Ninety-nine percent,” announced Sanders, “of eightyeight-year-olds move to climates that average seventy-seven degrees Fahrenheit…three-hundred-sixty-five days a year.
We can’t treat our retirees the way we treat our veterans by allowing them to starve out in the colder climates. We’ll tax Wall Street and have the defunct Meals on Wheels take care of moving them.” Critics point out that Sanders is just targeting another large voter group to improve his chances against Hillary. Marcia Brody, a spokesperson for the Sanders campaign, explained, “He’s huge with millennials but needs more support. Despite his record in civil rights advocacy, he still doesn’t have the black vote. It’s time we steal some supporters from Trump and the gang, specifically, the ones with dementia.”
This promise actually provided the geriatric Democrat underdog an unexpected boost in Republican support. Many congressmen across the country are aged similar to Sanders and they see this as an opportunity to live their final years more comfortably. And although John McCain and his geriatric comrades now support Sanders, fresher faces in the GOP such as Marco Rubio don’t fall so easily for the Vermont senator’s pandering. “I’m young enough to not be swayed by his promises of a free condo and being able to use coupons on top of early bird discounts. Besides, I already live in Florida. My constituents won’t be affected by this proposal. More importantly, I’m not a direct beneficiary of it, so I’m not voting for Bernie. I’d suspend my own campaign first!”
At press time, Rubio was peering into the mirror, pondering his extreme thirst, heavy earlobes, and love for applesauce. Chances are he’ll be throwing in the towel soon and endorsing