BY Dr. Tossed Salad
Roger Goodell’s Love Child
SAN FRANCISCO — Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos came out of Super 50 victorious, but the real winners are the residents of Flint, Michigan.
At the postgame press conference, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced with a proud smile his plan to relieve Flint of its disastrous water quality problem.
“Tonight was a great night for the NFL and the game of football, but it is with great pride to announce how the NFL plans to help the people of Flint, Michigan,” said Goodell.
He went on to announce the league plans on sending two whole leftover Gatorade jugs (one Lemon-Lime, one Mango Xtremo) to help the Flint community that has been without clean, drinkable water for months.
Michigan government officials turned a blind eye to led and other contaminants in the Flint public water supply. In response, people and celebrities have donated hundreds of thousands of water bottles to Flint.
Former Detroit Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace drove a truck full of water from his home in North Carolina to Michigan. He then earned a technical foul while arguing with a police officer over a speeding ticket.
The NFL, though, raised the bar in helping aid the people of Flint.
“Gatorade is a truly energizing beverage, and we are happy to do all that we can to help,” continued Goodell, whose league brought in over $620 million in revenue from the Super Bowl, was more than ecstatic to be providing two whole jugs of Gatorade.
“It is times like these where we need to forget about money and stardom, and focus solely on helping those in need,” added Goodell, who makes a salary of $44 million a year as Commissioner. “These people have been without clean water for months, and it is a basic human right to have clean, drinkable water,” finished Goodell, whose league approved selling bottles of Aquafina for $9 at Levi’s Stadium.
The donation of two whole Gatorade containers is a huge PR move for the NFL.
For the last two weeks, the NFL used over 20 gallons of water an hour in irrigation to keep Levi’s Stadium’s turf in the highest quality. The league also provided endless amounts of Gatorade and water for players to swish around in their mouths and spit back on the ground.
“We really wanted to dump two things of Gatorade on our coach,” said linebacker and Super Bowl MVP Von Miller, “but I guess if it’s going to people in need, then we can make that sacrifice.” finished Miller who owns both a 2011 Chevy Camaro and 2015 BMW i8.