Adderall Cures Cancer

BY SAWYER
Noose Editor

PISCATAWAY — In the final days of the Spring 2015 semester, Genetics student Sergei Krebs wrote down a long-sought chemical formula that has since been determined to be the cure for all forms of cancer. Now, Adderall and his legal team are challenging Kreb’s ownership of this formula.

“Yeah, I popped an Addy before opening my notebook, but I bet my whole class did this. Grades are a competition and I can’t win without that boost,” Krebs explained. 
When reporters mentioned the counter-claim to his patent, Krebs rolled his eyes. “But that was all me. I paid a guy who paid a pharmacist who paid those guys. I owned that pill and what it made. “It has to have been me because I remember it so clearly, so focused on practicing what I expected to be on the final. Professor Shadeh habitually asks students about things he never taught. What’s understood less than a cure for cancer?”

When reached for comment, Adderall was unavailable, but his wife said, “He’s always out helping everyone, whether or not they have a prescription. I want him to be home more, but for a Class II controlled substance he’s out working for everyone with a few dollars. 

”He couldn’t be happier about figuring out the cure for cancer. He’s just banging his head for not helping think of it sooner. I feel like now everybody wants him to make them famous inventors. And ironically, while he’s out there focusing on other people’s problems, he’s distancing himself from his wife and newborn baby,” wept the post-partum pill.

Neighbor and competitor Vyvanse commented, “I would be fucking pissed to barely receive partial credit. Being a pill is expensive. Do you know how much Adam Levine costs for a commercial? A metric fuck-ton! There’s a reason he’s pumping out so much shitty TV and music nowadays: me. This cancer thing is no minor feat and no one believes that Krebs boy could have done this on his own. And I think everyone will realize that Adam is a fucking gimmick like Lil’Wayne.”

At press time, Adderall was being used recreationally by some dipshit Valley Girl in LA trying to focus on making a sex tape with an unspectacular rapper.

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