Thousands Upset as Milo Yiannopoulos Offends No One

“I RESPECT YOU, BRO” Yiannopoulos, surrounded by a crowd of inscenced student-protestors. Many people present preppred themselves for outrage by watching a YouTube playlist of Mr. Mylo Xyloto and were unprepared to agree with him, though they did.

BY Paulie Valentine
French Braided

NEW BRUNSWICK—Much to the chagrin of hundreds of protesters, the notoriously bombastic English journalist Milo Yiannopoulos was completely inoffensive. Starting at 9:15PM Tuesday night, Yiannopoulos entered Scott Hall and began an eloquent and nuanced lecture on the follies of censorship on college campuses.

Over four hundred protesters, four major media outlets, and leader of the Professors for Ignorance H. Bruce Franklin crowded Scott Hall, on top of the three hundred attendees. The mission stated on the protesters’ Facebook group was to “make sure that heartless bigot understands what dismantling the patriarchy means.”

“What the fuck!?” declared Janis Weller, sophomore in the School of Arts and Sciences. “He’s a fucking asshole I want him dead… but last night he spoke so eloquently. It makes me so fucking hard to hate him.”

This was a common criticism among the protestors. Catherine Bulson, Douglass Residential College senior, was completely moved to tears. “I was holding my ‘SHUT UP FAGGOT’ poster. When he mentioned the adverse effects of hiding triggers from people with anxiety disorders, I was like, ‘Fuck!’ ”

Yiannopoulos’ presentation covered trigger warnings and political correctness. “The idiosyncratic vernacular of balderdash twaddle,” said Yiannopoulos, “expresses lexicon of ideas.” His words reverberated through the crowd, calming many protesters.

“I had no clue my words would do this,” continued Yiannopoulos, “I’m often really misunderstood, I just like to sit with my cat with a mug of hot chocolate and read the ‘Love’ section of Eat Pray Love.”

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