BY Rebellious John Clayton
Bristol, CT—Over the years, ESPN has been criticized for its overt love and coverage of specific players, especially LeBron James, Tim Tebow and Johnny Manziel.
Unfortunately for ESPN viewers, the Cleveland Browns signed all three players Sunday, and the Network is set to pounce.
New Browns head coach Hue Jackson reportedly convinced the trio to help rebuild the team, though Tebow consistently ranked as one of the worst quarterbacks in the league during his brief tenure. James knows he cannot deliver an NBA title to Cleveland, so he will try his hand in the NFL. Manziel was reportedly in disguise as someone with his life together during the signing.
The ESPN studio is preparing for the upcoming Browns season by scrapping all Network programming in favor of round-the-clock coverage of Tebow, Manziel and James as opposed to the current model, which features only nine-tenths of the clock coverage.
“Oh man, you should have seen how animated everybody in the studio was today,” said senior ESPN President John Skipper after news of the signings broke. “I’m not using an expression here; everyone was just jerking off like elated freaks in the middle of the office. All that pent-up sexual frustration was released all over the place after the big news. It’s great to see our employees are as invested in our business as the executives.”
ESPN is going so far as to reportedly change the name of some of its channels. The four new confirmed channels are “ESPN At Night: Manziel Party Edition,” “Home-cooking with LeBron,” “Sunday Mass with Timmy,” and “The Non-Browns Network for only 15 Minutes”.
Though the moves seems bold, ESPN has proven if anyone can sacrifice journalistic values in favor of garbage news about celebrities, it’s them.