Rutgers University to De-Douche All Campuses

dedoucheBY Caillou
ALS Supporter

PISCATAWAY—In light of recent concerns from the community that Rutgers campuses look too much like the physical manifestation of a Dane Cook joke, Rutgers has passed programs to de-douche the five campuses.

The proposal, titled “The Shucked Clam Act of 2016”, calls for a ban of a number of items considered too “douchey” for the general public, and must be quarantined. Amongst the items rated highest on the douche version of a Geiger Counter, the Hardy Counter, were hoverboards, vape pens, BMWs, and thebluegrass/rock artist and amateur actor Dave Matthews, as well as the rest of his band due to association. These items should be immediately brought to a Douchetist, who will be able to safely dispose of and isolate the sample from the general public. If you have any of these items, or know of someone who does, call 732-555-5968 or email dedouche@rutgers.edu.

Prominent Douchetist Greg Fostiglee reached out to The Medium to comment on the importance of the new proposal. “What a lot of people don’t understand, is that these douchey items act very similarly to radiation, and is extremely harmful to not only themselves, but people around them, and the environment,” Greg stated. “Like uranium and plutonium, it’s possible to measure the douchiness emitted by these douchey objects. Also, like their radioactive counterparts, they give people cancer.

“Using the Hardy Counter, we discovered that items like some of the most heavily irradiated items on campus are associated with bluegrass/rock artist and little league referee Dave Matthews, as well as the rest of his band. Though there are a number of other items that are also dangerous, such as Bluetooth earpieces and Vineyard Vines clothing that we recommend you bring to a Douche Clinic if you care about your fellow students. Unfortunately, we estimate that we’ve only been able to quarantine less than 10% of these douchey items on campus due to the nature of the scenario; no one brings in anything cause the only ones who own them are fucking douchebags.”

Due to the half-life of these items, they must be held in quarantine for approximately forty years, in which time new douchey objects will be discovered that will fill in the vacant role left by the BMWs and vape pens of the world.

When attempting to ask students about their thoughts on the proposal and whether they were afraid of the health and environmental consequences of being surrounded by so many douchey objects, the only responses we were able to garner were variation of “Yeah man, fuck hoverboards! Ha, those things are stupid as fuck!”

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