There Is No God
BY Harold Heimholtz
Its 2016, people, and I’m baffled that people still believe in a phony-baloney flying man in the sky. Christian brainwashing is responsible for many of the ills in our society. If it weren’t for evangelicals in the legislature, we’d be leading the world in science, technology, medicine and engineering. Instead, thanks to the God-deluded peasantry, we advanced homosapiens are prevented from progressing in the grand universal scheme of things.
For example, I should be free to vape in public, while riding my hoverboard and listening to Mumford & Sons. But the bible-thumpers don’t want me to do that, no. Well, I’ll ride my hoverboard. I’ll ride circles around you poor, misunderstood creatures. And I’ll stop to debate you about your religion. Logic will prevail!
There Is No Harold
So you know that kid, Harold? The one who wears the trenchcoat and (presumably) doesn’t own a razor? Real dick, right? Well guess what, he doesn’t actually exist. It actually started as a bet with the Greek gods. See, they bet Jesus, the Holy Spirit and I that We couldn’t create a being so unholy that even We couldn’t love him. So we set out to create the most insufferable asshole you could imagine, and set him on the Earth. Boom, that’s Harold Heimholtz, an unlovable douche who exists only in your imaginations. In the name of Me, have you met this kid? The only time he’s not trashtalking Me is when he’s trashtalking the Ocean Dub for Dragon Ball Z. Nobody gives a damn, kid. Just like nobody cared when you were a vegan. And guess what, you’ve gone “back to the gym” on Facebook six times since freshman year.
Don’t worry, he’s only imaginary. I’d destroy the world in fire and brimstone, but I’d never curse you all by having to suffer with this guy. As you might expect, the damn kid’s gonna disappear off the face of the earth after college. I’m looking forward, because Zeus owes me 30 talents of silver and a yearling bullock.