BY Stephen A. Smiff
HELL—After the Denver Broncos defeated the New England Patriots last Sunday, reports say the Devil’s untimely nap was the reason for New England’s loss.
According to multiple sources, the Devil—also known as Lucifer or Beelzebub—usually takes a post-dinner nap, but after a long day of raping souls eternally trapped in hell, he lost track of time.
It is widely known Tom Brady sold his soul to the Devil in 2007 after the “spygate” controversy. Following the deal, the Patriots nearly went undefeated for an entire season, only to lose the Super Bowl thanks to a miraculous catch by God’s messenger David Tyree.
Since, Brady has benefited from having no soul by marrying international supermodel Gisele Bundchen and winning another Super Bowl in 2014.
Unfortunately for Brady, Lucifer reportedly had a rough day in hell.
According to reports, the Devil had early morning rapings from 7 a.m. to 10 a.m. He then ate a child’s heart for breakfast and spent the next two hours training his minions how to rape and torture.
What did Beelzebub in, apparently, was the weekly Sunday meeting from noon to 3 p.m., which he completely forgot about.
Reportedly, the Devil had HR issues to handle, logistical dilemmas concerning the efficiency of his soul-delivery system and infrastructural problems. The Devil hates these weekly meetings.
Apparently, the Devil had a splitting headache and lost track of time, so he took his daily nap forgetting he had to possess Brady’s body and give him the supernatural powers and abilities required to win a road playoff game.
Lucifer would not comment on his supposed mishap.
“I have nothing to say concerning my daily routine”, said the Devil. “As for Tom [Brady], he and I have a wonderful relationship, and I’m sorry to see him lose”.
Brady’s postgame comments offered more insight on the Devil’s alleged actions.
“I felt weird out there. It’s like I actually had to try”, said Brady. “There’s usually this presence I feel deep, deep inside me, and it wasn’t there today”.
After Brady’s press conference, rumors circulated about his and the Devil’s exact relationship. Some reports peg the two as gay lovers, but nothing as been confirmed.