BY Some Schmuck
Novice Wabbit Hunter
MOSCOW, RUSSIA —In what has been described by young liberals as a generally good diplomatic move, U.S. President Barack Obama was recently caught defecating on the lawn of the Moscow Kremlin, residence of Russian Federation Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Though the State Department is yet to comment on Mr. Obama’s actions, the move has been viewed favorably among his own supporters.
“I don’t care what Fox News and the Repub-LIE-cans say, Obama is a good president!” said Meredyth Jackson, treasurer of the Iona College Democrats. “This move is a strong statement against gun violence, and I am very proud of Obama for having the stridence to carry it out.” continued Jackson. “He’s basically my hero.”
Andrew Wheaten, a member of the Tennessee Tech Progressives, further clarified, “we are very grateful for President Obama’s statement in solidarity with Muslims. I’m not yet sure of the connection, but it should soon become obvious.” Wheaten declined to comment on the symbolic meaning of the Jack Daniels whiskey bottle present in Mr. Obama’s hand at the time.
“There are no legitimate criticisms of Obama; most of his critics are just racist.” continued Wheaten. When asked about the President’s 47% approval rating, he explained that the number is “according to both his supporters and opponents. If you polled only his supporters, the number would be closer to 100%.”
Wheaten further explained, “it’s a lot of rhetoric from Trump supporters, with an eerie, fascist-like faith in their candidate. Conservatives are so stupid, ugh.”
“I’m extremely proud of Obama’s latest statement in favor of LGBTQ* rights. He truly is a visionary” commented Amethyst Schwartz of the Black Lives Matter chapter at UC Santa Cruz. “I think Obama wrote some really great laws and I’m disappointed he’s not going for a third term. But I’m voting for Hillary. Hopefully, she too will symbolically shit all over cis-white-male oppression.”