BY Radio Raheem
Professional Peeping Tom
NEW BRUNSWICK—This Saturday, New Brunswick was blasted with just over two feet of snow, leading to off-campus sophomore engineering student Timothy Snyder being forced outside to support his roommate’s need to bang his girlfriend.
For many students, Winter Storm Jonas was a great opportunity to kick back and relax, have a good time with some friends, and bond over the incredulity of the weather outside. Unfortunately, Snyder, a resident of Sicard Street, wasn’t so lucky. Snyder’s roommate invited his girlfriend over before the storm, and it was only a matter of time before the symphony of obnoxious copulation forced him out of his house.
After he could no longer withstand the noise coming from upstairs, Snyder decided to brave the cold. While his roommate was about five and a half inches deep, Snyder was approaching twenty-six. The Medium was able to get a brief interview with Snyder while he was out in the elements.
“Why am I outside? Because my roommate is an inconsiderate prick, that’s why! I can’t believe this gu- FUCK!”
Mid-sentence, Snyder had slipped and his right boot fell all the way through the snow. His jeans had lifted up, exposing his ankle to the freezing snow.
“EVERY FUCKING TIME! I’M GOING TO KILL THIS FUCKING KID! DON’T HELP ME, FUCK OFF!”
Snyder’s eye shed a single tear, and he continued trudging to the end of the driveway. He rudely declined to answer any more of our questions. After very nearly getting hit by no less than four plow trucks navigating the streets, Snyder began to break down. He collapsed into the snow. Without the will to carry on, the snow blanketed his body, which was eventually plowed into the side of a Nissan Ultima.
Snyder’s story is one that is all too common during large snowstorms. It serves as a reminder to all of us that sexiling your roommate during a snowstorm is not okay. We at The Medium would like to remind you to be considerate this winter. If you have a roommate, don’t plow your girlfriend until Rutgers plows the roads.