BY PEARL HARBOR DAY
“December 7, 1941 – a date which will live in infamy,” were the words spoken by one of the most influential presidents in the United States history. Yet, now people even barely remember that I even happened! I’m more like a “Oh yeah, it’s my parent’s anniversary tomorrow… fuck it, maybe next year I’ll get them something,” day than some tragic event that shocked the entire world. Now the only thing people say “Never Forget” to is 9/11 and other things that just don’t compare to my awe.
Well let me explain to you ignorant children how important I am. I was the defining moment of the 20th century. Without me occurring, USA would have never entered the war at the right time. In fact, if they waited any longer, Hitler and his bullshit would have taken over Europe much earlier. And the Japs? Fuck the goddamn Japs, pieces of shit bombed the fuck out of the most beautiful beautiful beaches out there. And so because of me, they got what the deserved and no one ever wanted to fuck with USA in a war again. All because of me happening 64 years ago.
Now you all better start remembering that. You might ask, what the fuck does this old fart of a date want now? Well glad you asked, because I can tell you exactly what I want. First of all, I want T-shirts. T-shirts that show a beautiful graphic of the Hawaiian islands flipping off the Japs. I don’t care if that’s “politically incorrect” or whatever horseshit you guys come up with, you’d say the same shit if you were fucking BOMBED without warning.
Next, I want a fucking movie that doesn’t suck ass. I thought “Ooooh, a movie by Michael Bay would be fucking awesome.” He’s known for explosions so I thought that maybe he’d give a true depiction of the horror and shock that reflects my magnitude. But, no instead we get some shitty love-romance nonsense and Ben Affleck. Screw that guy. The only saving grace of this movie is Kate Beckinsale, but even that was nullified by Alec Baldwin. Go back to 30 Rock you wannabe hardass!