BY Greg Schiano
Look people, I get it. Flood is out. So is Hermann. Please stop calling me at home. I will not come back and be your football coach. It won’t happen. I don’t even know how some of you got my number. Was it on Twitter or something? Because the other night I was lubing up my wife for a little backdoor play, and out of nowhere my phone started ringing. So I plugged my wife with the ol’ vibe to keep her loose, and went to answer it. I honestly thought it was Bob Barchi offering me my old job — not that I’d want it. Anyway, while I was pumping away — you know, takin’ the ol’ rocket ride to Brown Town — my phone started buzzing again. My wife thought it was the cock ring sitting on the night stand, but sure enough I answered my phone, and another fuckin’ kid begged me to come back to Rutgers. This happened four more times alone that night.
It’s not fucking happening, guys. I’m not coming back. Even if I still cared about your football program, I am livid that you’d interrupt me and ruin my wife’s birthday like that. We even had the anal beads soaking in warm water for like an hour, and by the time I was ready to penetrate her vaginally they were cold already. It’s a fundamental fucking problem with the Rutgers football program. When Jerry [Sandusky] had important lovemaking to do, Penn State gave him all the time off he needed! Hell, even Tampa Bay made time to get assfucked by the Colts this week!
Look, I’ll tell you what: I’m going to tweet [former University of Miami head coach] Al Golden’s number. Give him a ring, I heard he’s looking for work.