BY Grind All
So we all know that Starbucks is a sneaky bitch and has a million flavors they don’t feel like telling us about, especially during the holiday season. Sure, they advertise things like peppermint mocha and caramel brulee but we at The Medium did some digging and were able to find more.
Hitler Latte: Alright so everyone is freaking out that Starbucks hates Christmas and the Christians but honestly they hate everyone, they’re just not as public about everyone else. I mean a Hitler Latte? That’s pretty bad but Starbucks is a company that believes in EQUAL discrimination, which cancels out all the badness! So everyone needs to stop freaking out about this shit.
Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of Peppermint, 3 shots of the blood of the Jewish
Disappointment to Your Parents Cappuccino: Going home for the holidays sucks mostly because—let’s be honest—you are a disappointment to your parents. I mean they put all this money into your college and you are flunking all of your classes and spending your time getting drunk and sleeping with some idiot named Chad. So before you go home please do yourself a favor and pick up this drink. It tastes just like the disappointment your parents are bound to taste the second they look at you.
Ingredients: Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of vanilla, 2 shots of caramel, 1 shot of failure (the barista will ask you for this but don’t worry if you’re ordering this you have it)
Drunk Grandma Macchiato: Every family has one. You’re enjoying whatever holiday you celebrate and your grandma all of the sudden has had one too many and is being drunk and racist and sexist and everything terrible you can be. How did she even get this drunk? Is it because she’s like a million years old and has no tolerance or is she just so old that no one even pays attention to her drinking habits? Either way she’s slammed and you’re feeling left out. Also it’s fucking hell dealing with her when you’re sober so please pick up this drink if you know you’re going to have to deal with something like this.
Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 1 shot of vanilla, 5 shots of Jameson (They have it trust me. They’ll say “we don’t serve alcohol” but just say “DRUNK RACIST GRANDMA” and they’ll get you that Jameson for sure.)
That Black People Holiday Coffee: Black people have a holiday at this time right? Is it real? I don’t know and apparently Starbucks doesn’t either. Or they actually have a name for this but everyone just calls it this. I’m not sure. So if you’re black you should get this or if you’re celebrating the holidays with your black friend pick this up so you can seem “multicultural” and “inclusive” instead of “ignorant” and “stereotyping-just-because-we’re-black-doesn’t-mean-we-celebrate-the-black-people-holiday”.
Ingredients: Black coffee with a festive shot of “equal” rights