“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
With recent events leading to talks of Congress taking action on gun control legislation, many have come to the defense of United States Constitution’s 2nd Amendment. However, what if the Founding Fathers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin among others never intended this American Right to be about guns? Have we as Americans gotten it wrong for over 200 years? We here at The Medium explore some possible ways “we done fucked up.”
The Right to Bare Arms
The Right to Bare Arms: Baby have you ever shaved your arms. Mmmmmm they are so smooth, so satisfying. Imagine getting all cuddly with your significant other and both of your smooth arm skin rubbing up against one another. And then think of those poor bastards who have hairy arms. Ewwww get the fuck out my face. That’s what I tell people who have hairy arms. And women with hairy arms: we need to do something with them let me tell you. It’s always dark hair too, but just imagine if it was blonde hair. Oh fuck, don’t even get me started on these creatures. These beings of infinite horror. Oh are they ugly. So here in the United States, we respect, and fully encourage, anyone who wants or prefers to shave his or her arms: because it’s hot.
The Right to Bear’s Arms
Have you ever been attacked by a goddamn bear? They are vicious creatures. They will come into your backyard and start destroying shit just for a little bit of food. And if they see you, well hot shit you better get the fuck outta there, or they will attack and eat every last bit of you. They will rip your arms and legs off crewing them down to the bone. They will suck out your intestines like sausage and pop your goddamn eyeballs just for fun. They are terrible creatures and this is why the 2nd Amendment was created, to keep bears in line. Bears need to understand that at any moment we will shoot them, and cut off their arms, leaving behind the rest of the body for the other bears to see. We mean business here in the United States, and will not allow bears to take control.
The Right to Bear Arms
Through the history of time, beings which have evolved to present day humans, have become very used to using their arms for everyday activities. Just think of all the amazing things you can do with your arms and therefore your hands. You can pick up a bunch of boxes and carry them to your car. You can open a box of spaghetti. You can take a gun and shoot that god damn bear who is trying to get into your backyard to make a mess. God damn it I really hate bears. But what else can you do with your arms? You can shove them up a midget and work them like a puppet. No, no, no that’s insensitive and I’m sorry. I’m insensitive because my mother cut my arms off when I was little. Therefore here in the United States, we continue to allow arms to be born on children, even if they are cut off later in life.