BY Paulie Valentine
ST. LOUIS, M.O.—Monsanto, notorious dictator of advertising on network television, has sold out of its limited edition Barbie doll. The Barbie, all named Carol now, has been a hit with children of executives at every major television network. This is all part of a campaign to brainwash the next generation of children to support seemly natural chemical companies.
“We never predicted this kind of cross-brand success,” said corporate brand lead, Jessica Simmons. “We set out to advertise in an extremely manipulative way, and fostering allegiances by creating childhood memories with our brand logos and products really is a game-changer.”
Collaboration between Mattel and Monsanto began once the major toy company renegotiated their contract for Polystyrene-co-acrylonitrile, a chemical used in the production of Barbie’s plastic form. A letter obtained exclusively by The Medium points out some playful language.
“Don’t you FUCKING DARE import those chemicals from those lo mein fucks. If you do, we will attack you and your families with chemical weapons that make Zyklon B look like a fart.”
The product line is a set including three dolls. Factory Farmer Barbie comes with a lab coat, toxic chemicals, and her own miniature bottle set of RoundUp©. Corporate Liaison Barbie can seamlessly move between firing entire departments from newly integrated sub-literary companies, to a sexy night out on the town. Lastly, an American Barbie, made to associate children minds with a blonde, blue eyed ideal made to simultaneously shame young girls while building a “perverse sense of corporate nationalism.”
The set has received acclaim from many feminist organizations who are funded by Monsanto PACs.
“I only want to give my daughter the most positive ideals for her to look up to,” says Janet Lee Harper, head of Women for Prosperity. “Plastic dolls are really going to make my daughter excited to be a Monsanto Woman!”