“Fuck It, I’m Not Even a Real Doctor” Says Ben Carson

BY Randy Butternubs
Loophole Navigator

Riding his recent wave of unpopularity, Dr. Ben Carson recently came out to the American public, admitting that he is not actually a real brain surgeon as much as “a real brain surgeon!”. Carson holds no such medical degree what-so-ever. This announcement comes only days after it was revealed that he fabricated the claim of being awarded a West Point Fellowship.

These announcements are much to the dismay of the Republican Party leadership, who collectively stated that they “can’t catch a break with any of our piece of shit frontrunners.”
Carson’s family members are overjoyed to see their loved one give up this charade and be honest with himself. “It’s been tough on my dad,” says Carson’s son Murray. “Ever since he got that part being the doctor on ‘Stuck on You’ everyone assumed he was a real doctor, rather than a C-list actor.”

Carson himself reported earlier through social media that “the relief from telling everyone the truth has lifted a great weight off [his] shoulders.” Carson went on to elaborate on the peer pressure he endured from within the Republican party to advocate inexplicably radical ideals. He felt that his facade of a political campaign has greatly strained his acting skills and that he will require time to convalesce. Fortunately, he has unused campaign funds.

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