University Decides It Will No Longer Participate in Fall

BY Radio Raheem
Does the Right Thing

rutgers doesnt care anymorePISCATAWAY—At approximately 7:15am Sunday morning, President Barchi announced that Rutgers University will no longer be participating in Fall. The fallen leaves are being collected and the leaves still remaining on the trees are to be painted green, to the dismay of many students.

“We’re tired of students running around and frolicking about in the leaves. It’s annoying,” said Barchi in his announcement. “We really don’t like to see students enjoying themselves, especially around this time of year. They’re supposed to be inside the libraries studying and pumping themselves full of stimulants. Instead, they’re out enjoying the weather and posting pictures of campus on Instagram or Twitter or whatever the fuck kids use these days. It’s got to stop.”

Cassidy and Christina, two Rutgers students and lovers of foliage, expressed outrage at the university’s decision to abolish fall. “We walked all the way to the Voorhees Mall from, like, Mettler to get the perfect Instagram picture. We already had our outfits picked out and everything. This is literally so rude,” remarked Christina.

Cassidy was unable to comment, because she was choking on a “normal” latte that was decidedly not festive enough. Both Starbucks locations on George Street and Livingston are suffering after being expressly forbidden to sell anything with pumpkin spice flavoring.

The University’s President is standing his ground when confronted by anyone who opposes the decision. “I’m really not sure what the big deal is. In any case, I really couldn’t give less of a shit what anybody else thinks of fall. This is not a time to be having fun,” remarked Barchi. When it was pointed out to him that we can’t just have no season, Barchi simply shrugged and said, “I don’t care what you call it, just don’t call it Fall. There will be no leaves falling, there will be no apple picking, and there will be no Thanksgiving dinners.”

The Medium has no idea what to call this strange new not-Fall season, so it will be left it up to the readers. In the meantime, enjoy the library.

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