Seven Great Places Around Rutgers to Do Coursework

BY MARKENSCHITZETEL

IMG_1004Thursday: So you have a ten page paper due a week from now? Excellent! Now is the perfect time to get started so you can write it in easy, manageable chunks. Spend time browsing Reddit in Alexander Library as you bask in your confidence of getting at least part of it finished today.

Friday: So, you didn’t actually write so much as an introduction because you were too busy browsing fucking Reddit the whole time. That’s fine. That’s fine! You have the whole weekend ahead of you to do it. Now isn’t the time to worry about it- instead, pop by The Knight Club for a quick round of shots. Just don’t drink too much, because you definitely need to start on that paper tomorrow.

Saturday: Fuck. Aaahhhhhh fuck. Ok. Ok, no, you’re going back to bed. The fuck time is it? 3 PM? Fuck it. Shit. You’re going straight to the grease trucks and back, that’s it.

Sunday: Ok! You still have this entire day to write at least half of that paper! Why not use a change of scenery and fresh air at Voorhees Mall to inspire you? Here we go!

Monday: Alright, so a whole paragraph, huh? Geez. Well, today’s kind of wasted because you have two classes at the ARC, which basically sucks half the life out of you from all the collective Engineering Major anxiety permeating the air. You’ll just have to do it after 9.

Tuesday: What, like you’ve never been tired and went to bed early? Ok. Haha. You only have two days left, but you know what? It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine! Might as well do it all tomorrow all in one burst of energy. Take a break at the Livingston Spa.

Wednesday: It’s all a capitalist scam, I tell you! This whole institution! Making students slave away on impossible assignments, and for what? A useless degree only useful to work at Dunkin Donuts at the Douglass Student Center because old people ruined the economy? FUCK the system! You REFUSE to contribute to the bourgeois! Bernie ‘16! Bernie ‘16! Bernie ‘16!

Thursday: Contemplate your newfound realization of your own mortality after spending all night struggling to bullshit so many sentences together at CAPS, Rutgers’ free psychiatric services. How. How do people find the will to live. What is the point of any of this. I’m failing my classes.

Next Week: Ten Places That Accept Employment Applications from College Dropouts

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