NEW BRUNSWICK—Sources report that a local dickhead recently rushed Rutgers fraternity KWK. Richard Long, 19, was born with a major physical disfigurement, causing his entire head to not only be shaped like, but also function as, an abnormally large penis.
“Yeah, my life has been pretty hard so far. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not without its perks. Like, if I’m at a concert and I can’t see, I’ll just think about naked women and BAM! I can see over everybody!” Rich recalled. “But everywhere I go, kids would make fun of me. Adults would want to compare sizes. Hell, I can’t talk to my own grandfather for more than five minutes before his eyes glaze over and stare longingly at my head with his mouth watering.”
That kind of discrimination and prejudice, however, was not displayed at KWK. “I like to think that we have a very kind, accepting, even progressive community here,” stated fraternity president Willy Dillard. “All the brothers were incredibly respectful of his appearance ever since he came in. We understand that there is absolutely no hugging while Richard is ‘excited,’ no ‘noogies,’ and no more viagra parties.”
“It’s been pretty dope having Rich around,” KWK member Chad Chett said. “Like, it’s always been a real problem in our house, not knowing if there are any dicks just flopping around open in the air. But with Rich, we’ll always have a penis just lying around in the open.”
Even sorority girls have displayed no less than the utmost respect for Rich. “Oh yeah, I met Dick—I mean Penis—I mean Rich, uhm, the other day. Why?” Brittney, local sorority girl stated. “Yeah, he’s so nice and hard… I mean strong. I heard he plays guitar and works at the animal shelter. He’s just so… Wow. Y’know? Wait, why are you asking me? Is he coming here?”
Recent reports state that in order to fully become a member, Rich will have to prove his loyalty to the frat and become circumcised.