BY Dr. Tossed Salad
NEW BRUNSWICK—Last week, President Barack Obama decided to repeal the No Child Left Behind Act, a piece of legislation that ushered in a new era of standardized testing in 2001. Upon hearing this news, New Brunswick school staffs hit the meeting rooms to section off which students were no longer worth their time and therefore will be left behind.
“We used to have to spend so much time preparing every one of those cocksuckers for these standardized tests. We prepared them for the picture prompt writing, simple algebra…Goddamn, was it boring!” explained former fifth grade teacher, now Assistant Superintendent Jennie Josephson. “Have you ever had to read twenty shitty stories about a family playing with a Frisbee while next to a lake?” finished up Josephson, shaking with the memories of having to force herself to read stories about picnics.
“You see, the reality of No Child Left Behind is that most children are boring or way too weird,” stated President Obama when addressing the press last week. “I can’t stand having a conversation with my own fuckin’ kids, I couldn’t imagine having to deal with a class of 25-30 regular nitwits.” And nitwits they are, as the majority of kids cannot even pass a simple fucking test because of their lack of smarts, finished the President. And with this decision, there are now ten children up for vote in the New Brunswick Elementary Schools, two per grade to decide which will be left out of the loop.
“Right now, the front runners are: Mikey Liver, a third-grader, who has a passion for breaking pens and rubbing the ink on his penis, Lexie Youngblood, a second-grader who always wants to paint pictures of Joseph Stalin in Art class, or Larry, a two-time fifth grader, who refuses to accept that he has a last name, because ‘one name is enough’,” shared school nurse Patty McDonald. Other candidates are Christopher Valdes, a fourth-grader, who has to wear elbow pads to class because he keeps trying to drink milk through his elbows and William Johns, a third-grader, who believes he is “Toad” from the Frog and Toad book series. The list only gets more and more depressing when you realize the valuable resources which have been spent of these lowlives.
Only time will tell which of these lucky five “rays of sunshine” will soon be cast off into the dark abyss of getting the textbooks with pages missing, but it cannot come soon enough, since the kid who still cannot tell the difference between multiplication and division needs more attention ASAP.