How To Survive in a Horror Movie

BY Grind All
1. Do not split up: Seriously why are people always doing this? There is strength in numbers. If you and little Mary run in different directions it’s not going to make any difference to Mr. Murderer. He’s still gonna find both of you and kill you. If you and little Mary are together you MIGHT have a chance to spit in this dudes eyes and kick him in the balls.

2. Leave as fucking soon as anything paranormal is happening: I am serious. I don’t care if you’ve lived in the house for your whole life, as fucking soon as doors are opening and shit is falling for no reason just leave. Don’t say “oh it’s the wind!” or “it’ll stop”. It won’t and you will die. Just fucking leave for gods sakes.

3. Don’t tell the police: As seen from multiple horror movies, they don’t give a shit. They’ll make fun of you if it’s a ghost or they’ll totally butcher the investigation of a killer and get you and themselves killed. Police have no idea what they’re going in any horror movie.

4. Don’t fucking talk to spirits: I don’t care if you wanna help this fucking spirit, put the Ouija board away. What do you fucking expect? For them to say “Hey man I’m just kinda stressed I died also can you make sure my mom’s doing okay? Thanks dude” NO! They are going to spell out nonsense like kill, die, and you. It’s a much better idea to not know what they are thinking.

5. Run out of the house not around it: Okay it’s night time and outside is kinda scary at night, but NOT WHEN A KILLER IS IN YOUR HOUSE. God do not go up the stairs or around the backyard or the basement, get the fuck out of there! Jump fences and run into some 24 hour 7/11 or whatever. Who has ever heard of a ghost in 7/11? No one. And there’s always some sus as fuck people in there that I am sure have killed and can kill the murderer chasing you.

6. Get a real weapon like a gun or a knife: Stop using baseball bats???? It’s so ineffective and dude if it’s a ghost, fucking fantastic you can’t even hit it. If it’s a person it is a CRAZY person who can probably be beaten to a pulp and still be functioning. Don’t have any mercy just kill these fuckers.

7. Don’t pause your running from a murderer to fuck your love interest: Why does fearing for your life turn people on?????
Please stop. You barely have time to get a drink of water to rehydrate yourself from running from a ghost or maniac, why do you think you have time to have sex with someone?? You can do it once you guys aren’t going to fucking die!

8. Don’t be a hero save yourself: Don’t go back for people. If your mom got left behind then your mom got left behind. Every man for himself. It’s your mom’s fault she didn’t have the ability to get out of there herself.

9. Don’t ask “who’s there?”: Again what kind of answer are you suspecting? “Hey man my names Tyler, I’m a ghost/murderer!” Again with the don’t talk to whoever is trying to kill you, paranormal or not.

10. If your friend/lover/family member becomes possessed leave their ass: Leave anyone who is possessed, they are not worth it. They will get you killed and probably themselves somehow. Do not try to help them. Just fucking get up and go. I don’t care if your married and have kids get up and leave their ass as soon as their head starts rotating all the way around.

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