BY Tapan Trivedi
I am pissed right now, not because it took my babe Adele 1113 days to finally release a new single, I know since I am a true fan and marked each day with a tally on my wall, but because all of these phonies on Facebook and just about everywhere else saying they are in love with Adele. They don’t know anything about her! I was supporting her way back in 2006, way before 19, you know, her very first album out.
All of these fakes think that just because they know the first four lines of “Hello,” they have the right to sing along to her or pretend that they actually grasp who Adele is as an artist, her struggles, or even how she does her hair! Screw that, you know “First Love?” Of course not, cause you’re a fucking fake. Well let me tell you something, Adele is my first AND only love!
Guess what, when she took her hiatus cause of her kid and cancer, I began to really get withdrawal, something none of you impostors would ever feel. Like, I was actually heart broken. I started looking up “Adele tits” because I could not stand that her little baby would be sucking on those nipples that were for me, and when I couldn’t find enough material there, I didn’t stop there. Oh no, and you know why?! Because I am a true fan! I started looking up for pornstars like her, you know, 5’9”, curvy, brown hair. And when that didn’t do it for me, I just took it to the next level. I started Photoshopping her face on their bodies so I could satiate my thirst for more Adele.
So now when you think about calling yourself an Adele fan, know that you will never be a true Adele fan. Go back to weakass artists like Katy Perry or Sia and never share an Adele song again. She’s mine, and that’s all you ever need to know about her.