BY Rebellious John Clayton
LOUISVILLE, KY— The biggest story leading up to the start of college basketball has nothing to do with the on-court action and plenty to do with off-the-court action. This is due in large part to the scandal at the University of Louisville. A self-described “former escort” Katina Powell has alleged that former University of Louisville graduate assistant Andre McGee used to pay her to throw scandalous parties involving strippers and alcohol within the dorms reserved for student athletes. The parties sometimes featured women who would agree to have sex with the recruits in exchange for cash provided by McGee and were used primarily as a recruiting tool to land top players for the basketball program.
The details of the case remain unclear. The biggest question on people’s minds is whether Hall of Fame coach Rick Pitino was aware of or even involved in the practice. There are those that do not care if he was involved directly and want him fired regardless of his knowledge of the situation, citing his inability to control his program. The Athletic Director for Florida State University Thomas Donnell told reporters his feelings about the state of Louisville athletics at his latest press conference.
“Despicable. Absolutely despicable what they did over there. Involving sex in any facet of an athletics programs, especially in recruiting, is an evil practice and something we here at Florida State University are proud to say we’d never do,” said Donnell, the man also in charge of a cheerleading program designed to employ the most attractive women on campus mostly to dance and dress suggestively for testosterone-crazed football and basketball players and fans. “Florida State is committed to doing things the right away and that means leaving sex out of the picture and teaching the young men we recruit how to behave themselves,” he continued, pausing momentarily to email an ESPN Top 300 recruit a link to FSU Alpha Delta Phi’s Tumblr page featuring bikini-clad women.
“These ladies love themselves an FSU football player. Why don’t you stop by the house next time you visit campus? I’m sure these pretty young lasses would be thrilled to see you!” the body of the message read. Those with a more objective view on college athletics, such as famous play-by-play announcer Brent Musburger, also share Donnell’s sentiments about leaving sex out of the sports world, especially in college athletics.
“You should want to play NCAA sports for the pride of representing your school and the ever-lasting bonds you’ll form with your teammates,” proclaimed Musburger, who famously went on a relatively creepy rant about how beautiful AJ McCarron’s girlfriend is during the National Championship game featuring Alabama vs. Notre Dame.
“But I mean, if you can absolutely slay that poon like a fucking champ while doing it, then good for you. You’re an American hero. Never forget that young man.”