BY Dr. Tossed Salad
WASHINGTON D.C.— During a private fundraiser this weekend, Republican Congressman Marco Rubio (Fla.) was finally legitimatized himself as a Presidential hopeful by spinning the “Wheel of Ridicule,” spinning “Indians” as the race he will soon be marginalizing. A trusting family man from Florida with a Cuban ancestry, Rubio is not prone to racial outbursts, but declared “I won’t let those frontrunning Republicans get ahead of me!” And with such a statement, the GOP allowed him to enter their secret underground sanctuary to spin the wheel.
After the successful Jeb Bush attack on African Americans, the Ben Carson attack on Muslims and Jews, and Donald Trump declaring all Mexicans rapists, Rubio was left with Asians, Puerto Ricans and the throwback Irish as the remaining cultures free on the political hit list. But alas, the wheel landed on the face of a confused Indian man, just missing the sullen face of Kim Jung Un and “Lucky” the leprechaun.
Indians were quickly defined as all taxi drivers, 7-Eleven owners, and Dunkin’ Donuts employees by the GOP thinktank. Rubio has the options of claiming they are the cause for outsourcing jobs and taking the place of white children at public universities. “There are just so many choices: poor drivers, curry, incomprehensible language skills, hairy arms, and more curry. How can I choose what to do first?” anxiously considered Rubio as his mouth watered with the thought of some media publicity. At press time, Rubio is rehearsing for the hidden recording of him saying, “I hate those curry-dotted assholes,” before having to quickly recall his statement as “misunderstood and out of context.”