HOW TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION

BY The Hen Hen Man

Okay so I told you all about how we’re all growing up and need jobs and all that shit, but damn it’s hard to get one! Especially since we’re all just stupid little copies of each other, I mean come on all girls wear that same raincoat and all the boys wear Vineyard Vines. So basically, you are extremely forgettable so we’re giving you the tips you need to stand out in the crowd of applicants!

1. Don’t smile
2. Don’t say hi
3. Don’t smile and say hi
4. Start complaining if asked how your day is going
5. Make sure you haven’t showered, shaved, used deoderant, brushed your teeth and, whatever you do, don’t you dare wear clean, pressed and fashionable clothing
6. Try to mumble, stutter, lisp, whisper and make frequent non-language noises such as squeeking, tittering laughter, oohs and aaahs, grunts and moans and other animal sounds
7. Forget what people tell you immediately
8 . Assert your dominance by farting aloud and blame it to the interviewer or recruiter and then giggle at them
9. Ask people for their middle names and then ask them if you can call them by their first names and then promptly forget their names
10. Take the interviewer out in a date at Brower

Congrats on your fucking job motherfuckers. Send me and Hen part of your first paycheck

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