BY Randy Butternubs
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— The Rock Café experienced major congestion yesterday as one asshole decided to take his sweet time selecting which orange juice he should buy with his egg sandwich. The decision between “some pulp” and “calcium plus” seemed to confuse this simple-minded prick, as he was unaware that a growing line had taken form behind him. Reports indicate that this “idiotic waste of space” allegedly stood in front of the refrigerator staring at the selection of beverages for a full minute before walking away and not selecting one at all.
However, more reports came in only seconds later, as this total cunt nugget turned abruptly and his high school frosh pack hit another student who just wanted to pick up a ready-made sandwich and not deal with this kid’s bullshit. “I mean, it didn’t hurt, but it was really fucking annoying,” said Mallory Schneider, a SAS junior who didn’t need this right now. “Seriously, what’s up with that fuckwad?”
In the latest update, this total sack of shit got his one egg sandwich and entered the line for the register, but he was listening to his music too loud and didn’t hear the cashier call for him three—THREE—motherfucking times. He then proceeded to count out his payment in pocket change and crumpled one-dollar bills enthusiastically as if the prospect of paying with exact change actually gives him some sort of visceral joy to this absolute loser.
While many victims are still recovering from the holdup caused by this dud of a human being, he was later reported at Alexander Library, where he apparently had to print out his entire textbook and jam the only working printer.