Increase in Animal Attacks Related to Local Muggings

BY Paulie Sofficer
Campus Police Liaison

pokeNEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— Following a stream of troubling crimes in New Brunswick, a new trend in violent robberies is taking form. Over the weekend, multiple reports came in claiming that a perpetrator robbed his victims with animal assistance. The suspect is a young man, of indeterminate age, wearing blue jeans, a short-sleeved jacket over a black tee, and a red and white baseball cap. He has black hair and a very raspy voice for someone so young.

The robber, henceforth referred to as “Red” was always reported to have approached the victim without company before forcefully pitching a baseball-sized object at the victims. The victims, all Rutgers-affiliated locals, testify that they flinched and when they recovered, a large rodent was at Red’s feet, growling at them. Victims’ defense was lowered!

A victim identified only as “Schoolboy” was then quickly attacked by the large yellow rat before he could flee. Schoolboy was beaten unconscious and claims that the attacker mugged him of P150. The incident took place before midnight Saturday.

A School of Engineering professor identified as “Bug Catcher” told the police that the animal must have been a beaver to have such a large, flat tail. Raising questions to the contrary, Bug Catcher also stated that before he fainted, the animal’s tail shined like a plate of polished iron.

Animal Science faculty Professor Beech could not identify the animal but is excited by the existence of such a novel creature. “I hope we discover what that animal is, if there are more, and how to enslave all animals.”

At press time, the most recent report was from Tuesday morning in Werblin Rec Center’s patio pool. Red showed up standing on what was described as an enormous jellyfish and poisoned a swimmer. He then continued remove the swimmer’s Speedo. Upon discovering no monies inside, he ordered the jellyfish to strangle the swimmer.

The lifeguard on duty witnessed the crime in its entirety. “It was terrible! Some one really should have jumped in and done something. Especially when the tenticles started going inside the swimmer’s butthole…it was so Japanese.”

The unnamed swimmer is currently at St. Peter’s in critical condition being treated for severe poisonous stings on the inner wall of his rectum.

Anyone with information about the mysterious Red should contact RUPD immediately.

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