PISCATAWAY, NJ—Monday afternoon, local boy Arthur McClanahan-White was found in the Rutgers Ecological Preserve on Livingston Campus. The boy was lost while hiking with his father, Drew McClanahan, in the Preserve on April 3, 1995 and was not seen during the months of searching before he was pronounced legally dead. Earlier this week, he was found and captured by a group of freshmen who were smoking weed in the Preserve since they didn’t realize everyone smokes in the Quads anyway.
“I was taking a leak on some bushes when he just jumped out of the brush wooping and screaming. I was so shocked, I pissed on myself!” explained Bobby O’Toole. “He ran over to my boys and bit Sean on the shoulder! But my boys aren’t scared of shit. We took him down, pinned him, and punched him for almost ten minutes before he calmed down. For good measure, we kept at it for another few minutes. We then stashed our roaches and called RUPD.”
The police identified the boy by his fingerprints and soon realized the raving wild child was Arthur McClanahan-White, now 18 years old. Campus police-media liaison Paulie Sofficer told the press,
“Arthur has been reunited with his parents and seems to have already regained some semblance of civility and language. He has sustained superficial injuries from his captors. His mental recovery will be mediated and by an esteemed Rutgers philosophy professor. Though wouldn’t it make more sense if she were a psychology professor?
“For insights, we present Arthur. Welcome back son,” Sofficer said, yielding the podium to a recently groomed, lightly-bruised young man.
“Years, I live in woods. Wake. Hunt. Eat. Sleep. Survive. No play, fight for life. Needed food, ate deer. Deer retaliate. Deer herd growing. No more predators. Piercing antlers. Army of legions. BEWARE! ACT! FIGHT!” Arthur jumped and screamed excitedly. Rushed off the stage and sedated, Arthur is thought to have not completely recovered from the trauma. The press conference was soon after dismissed.
In a message from President Barchi, the University welcomes McClanahan-White back to civilization and offers a full reparative scholarship to the savage adolescent. It is speculated that Arthur will accept and plans on studying Ecology and Environmental Science. Arthur has also pledged to not give up the fight against the rising deer army. He claims they have not taken kindly to Rutgers’s land seizure and have munitions, stolen from the ROTC riflemen.