October Isn’t That Great

BY November

novemberSeriously, what the fuck is going on. Don’t think I don’t see the tweets, the Facebook posts, and don’t even get me started about fucking Tumblr. What is the new damn obsession with October? “OMG October time for the leaves to change colors, pumpkin spiced lattes and sweaters I’m so happy.” Fuck you and fuck the leaves. When the leaves change colors they die! They change like a wrinkled old fuck shitting themselves and then they die. What’s so great about that. You can wear a sweater anytime you want and pretty soon they will have pumpkin spiced bullshit starting in that bastard month August.

Remember your old pal November? The times we’ve always had. I always deliver on my promises of good times and happy memories. But October, sorry I’m just not sold. October is the beginning of the bullshit weather changes. You know you wake up to go to work in the morning at 33 degrees and by noon it’s 75. Now you’re stuck wearing goddamn pants. I wouldn’t jerk you around like that. No, November will let you know what to expect, I’ll tell you straight up: “Hey, wear a coat all day, even when you’re taking a shit,” because I am the month that cares.

Even Halloween is some downright bullshit cock sucking pile of wrongness. When do you have fun during Halloween? At night! Okay so now we are on the right path. So by the time you have a couple of drinks in you and are hooking up with that cutie you saw walking down Mine Street, it is FUCKING NOVEMBER! That’s my credit, my score, and October has nothing to do with it. Even when you were a kid, I bet you thought trick or treating was fun. Sure you get a pillowcase full of candy, but when do you eat the majority of the candy? November! You just ended up with a stomach ache and your step mom yelling at you for staying out too late in October.

I’m not trying to say I’m the best. We all know December is the shit. But I have Thanksgiving. Football, the parade, mindless murder of hundreds of thousands of turkeys, all great values you were born and raised on. So next time you want to post a meme about October with some cat with a pumpkin around its fucking head, think how wrong you are.

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