BY Shreg Giano
Piscataway, NJ— Being a Rutgers football alumni has its perks. This has never been more clear than on Monday morning, when Rutgers Dining Services unveiled their newest employee: former Rutgers quarterback Gary Nova.
“Gary is an excellent addition to the Woody’s staff,” manager Jordan Jefferson told reporters. “The way he applies what he learned in college about throwing things with accuracy translates wonderfully to the service industry, where Gary can throw together just about any type of wrap or sandwich you wish.”
I highly recommend trying Gary’s crispy chicken wraps, his speciality. They feature the same mass-produced, dry chicken that the rest of our eateries carry, but they’re prepared by a former Division One quarterback. Neato!”
The recent hire has filled the Rutgers football community with such immense pride that a new segment will replace “Knights in the NFL” during football games. The new segment, titled “Former turnover-prone Rutgers Quarterbacks in the Rutgers Food Services Department Being Paid Minimum Wage on Busch Campus in Piscataway, NJ, 08854,” promises to feature exactly what the name suggests. All signs point to Gary being the star of this segment for years to come.
“With all the negative press surrounding our program lately, it’s nice to hear Gary is having some success. So where’d he get hired? Goldman? Barclays? Something impressive?” Asked head coach Kyle Flood.
“Wait, he’s working at Woody’s, that little cafeteria thing on Busch? That sounds like it fucking sucks!”