Bear Seeking Student Flesh Claims to be Sweet as Honey

BY Paule Valentine
SERIAL JERKER

The Ruin of the Bruin. Human-ursine relations would be sympathetic if he were a polar bear, though.
The Ruin of the Bruin.
Human-ursine relations would be sympathetic if he were a polar bear, though.

PISCATAWAY, NJ—A 22- year-old, 457-pound black bear (Ursus Americanus), was spotted in the Rutgers Gardens on Tuesday morning. The male beast was looking for a student to attack. He journeyed from the Delaware Water Gap to the northern edge of Piscataway over the last two months.

Coming off a pretty slow summer, the bear has made the trek to the Central New Jersey in the hopes of finding some fresher meat.

“After the brutality of last summer,” said the bear, “a lot of hikers are staying away. It’s really a shame.”
This decline is a pretty direct correlation to the brutal murder of two Rutgers students last April. Two RU GO outdoor members were killed when they allegedly tried to get naked and take selfies with a different bear. Both students were really made examples of by that bear. Very brutal stuff!

“Some of these kids have no respect anymore,” said the local bear. The couple’s limbs were stuffed into their genitals and were hung up on the tree at the entrance of the path. “When I was that age, I killed quiet, with respect. You don’t touch the face. Now, these kids are going crazy.”

This growing anxiety is not only localized to this region. The bears all over the state are dealing with the younger generations trying to send a message. Of the 32 New Jersey residents brutally mauled to death last year in the infamous “Summer of Blood 2k14”, thirteen were “classified as cruel and unusual” by local authorities. Seven were classified as “do not open” and three were called “too hot to look at.” The Medium is currently waiting on confirmation on exactly what that means.

“I’ll be around here for a couple of months at least,” said the local bear. “Make sure to come say hi!”

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