LIMO BUS

BY Calliou

Local Rutgers freshman Johnny, 18, was eagerly greeted at the Livingston Student Center bus stop by a hoard of screaming fans, according to LX bus driver Jeff, 43.

“Aw man, I ain’t seen nothing like it in all my years of driving this-here bus,” stated a bewildered Jeff. “Usually this stop’s no busier than a rundown suburban strip club during Tuesday brunch hour, but DAMN! I don’t know if this kid’s like a musician or something, cause ya know I don’t listen to that new music no more, but I’ll be damned if that kid ain’t gettin’ somethin’ tonight, ya know what I’m saying?”

Local “Johnn-atic” Stephanie, 19, describes her experience at the LSC bus stop. “I was having a pretty terrible day, tbh. I was late to Dance Appreciation, and I failed my business quiz. But then Stacy texted me that JOHNNY was going to get off at the LSC, I couldn’t even. So I sprinted to the bus stop in my Uggs, sweating in my sweat pants for the first time, pulled out my machete, and chopped down a line of people in the already gathered crowd to get to the front. I even got to touch Johnny! IT WAS INCREDIBLE!”

“Honestly, I had no idea what the hell was going on,” said Johnny. “As soon as the doors opened, I was being pushed and pulled in every direction at once. Literally everyone and their mother was screaming and clawing at me, including mine! I guess they recognized me from that one time I made a sweet joke during Intro to Computers. It was terrifying.”

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