BY Marken schnitzel
NEW BRUNSWICK — G-d spoke out this past weekend because students were in an uproar after an instructor sent a Muslim student an email saying that she should attend class during Eid. The instructor reasoned, since “G-d would want you to celebrate through Math.” But the story took a new turn this weekend, as the Divine Creator Himself released a statement about His opinions on the matter.
The Lord, known by his alternate pen names “Allah” and “Hashem”, is responsible for some of the top-selling books in the world. Readers might be familiar with The Torah, its sequel The Bible, and His deeply moving autobiography, What Did I Just Fucking Tell You?: Laws For Humans Throughout the Ages. So it should come as no surprise that He is actually more interested in the arts than he is the sciences.
“I’m going to be straight with you here,” the deity boomed from the heavens, shattering the ear drums and causing celestial madness in some of the closer reporters, “the STEM fields all suck. Every fucking year, some scientist tries to disprove my existence with some complicated equation he pulled out of his ass. Want to write, especially if it’s about me? Cool. Want to paint something, especially if it’s of me or my stories? Go for it, homie. But math and science belong in hell with every other demon.”
The King of Kings was especially not amused with the Rutgers instructor affiliating His Holy Name with a love of math. “Are you ******************* nuts?!” He said incredulously while uttering a multi-syllable swear world beyond simple human comprehension. “I mean, I had a thing for numbers in the fourth volume of my first book, but that was just throwing a bone for all the future conspiracy theorists to throw a fit over. What the hell does sitting in a dingy classroom, listening listlessly as some sour, underpaid teacher tries unsuccessfully to teach the formulas needed for a dusty test which hasn’t been updated in decades have anything to do with MY divine worship?”
According to His publicist, He was apparently so angry that he turned the moon red for a night to express his artisanal rage toward Man.