Conservatives Worried About Gay Agenda

BY Eaton Jejez

Gun-toting Feminist

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ — While many Americans are tuned into the upcoming presidential primary election, NJ-based Conservative watchdog group Moms Against Gays, Islam, & Cannabis (MAGIC) is bringing to the spotlight the appointment of the new Superintendent of Middlesex County Schools. Top prospect for the position is the openly gay 36-year-old, Brian Lockheed. A former science teacher, Lockheed left the classroom in 2009 to launch a nonprofit that redistributes old books to underfunded libraries across the country.

“We think—and this is both as an organization and just a group of American mothers, myself included—that perhaps Lockheed isn’t the best candidate for the job,” said MAGIC Mom Julia O’Malley at a local rally for Donald Trump. “Take a look at his Agenda. ‘Go to Whole Foods, Watch Oprah, Go to A.C. Moore’ —is this really the person we want running our schools? I’m as worried as any mother should be.”

MAGIC has been pushing instead for Randy P. Martin, 55, past-principal and current English teacher at Saint Felix High School in East Brunswick. MAGIC is a regular donor and supporter Mr. Martin’s campaign organization, “Randy for Kids”.

“You just can’t have a superintendent with such irresponsibility,” commented MAGIC’s treasurer, Alice Pickett, in a statement last week. “Take it from a mom like me—you can’t just pop a chicken in the oven and leave to go pick flowers. His agenda is pretty full, I don’t think he’ll have the full focus to run our schools. Randy Martin is always thinking about the children.”

Mr. Martin agreed with these concerns Sunday, speaking at St. George’s Lutheran Church in Somerset last week: “Now, I’m not gay, and if I were—which again I stress I’m not—I’d be unable to keep a schedule like this. Look how booked Mr. Lockheed’s Wednesday is: Spin Class at 9:30 AM, followed by a Manicure & Pedicure at Nail Paradise. This just shows poor planning.”

Martin continued, “He should have scheduled the Mani-Pedi at Jaymi’s on Magnolia. She can get him in after 6 if he goes to Williams-Sonoma in the morning, when it’s less crowded anyway. That way he can do the two-hour Spin class instead of the one-hour, and not miss the first fifteen minutes of The Real Housewives of Orange County in the evening. Do we really want this guy running our schools?”

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